Weighty Matters
Weighty Matters is a sketch in Season 1 Episode 8 of Studio C. Summary (from YouTube) There are many forms of torture. Watch as this villain takes an unorthodox method of unpleasantries to get the nuclear launch codes. Transcript {We are in a dark room filled with barrels & crates. In the middle of the room are a couple of people, both tied to chairs with their backs against each other & their faces covered. Standing behind them is a shady-looking man in a leather jacket & sunglasses with a mustache & beard. A Russian general enters the room.} GENERAL: Remove. {The man does as he is commanded & removes the covers from the hostages' face. One of them is Jim Blond; he has a cut on the left side of his forehead. Tied up behind him is Olivia, his sidekick.} GENERAL (CONT'D): Jim Blond. MI6's most notorious secret agent. {He lightly slaps Jim in the face, which seemingly knocks him conscious.} JIM: What happened? Where am I? Where's Olivia? OLIVIA: I'm here, Jim. GENERAL: That is enough question from you, Mr. Blond. All that you need now is that I am in possession of nuclear submarine. My plan is nearly complete. All that I require now are the launch codes, which conveniently are in your head. {As he says this, he knocks Jim's forehead.} OLIVIA: Don't give them to him, Jim! JIM: Don't worry, my darling. I die before I told him anything. GENERAL: I thought you might say that, Mr. Blond. But I am never less confident that you can still be... persuaded. {The General's henchman pulls down a black sheet, revealing a scale.} JIM: Is that a scale? GENERAL: Very good, Mr. Blond. JIM: Is that suppose to intimidate me? {The General chuckles.} GENERAL: Not at all. Its effect is intended... for her. OLIVIA: What?! GENERAL: Get her onto scale. OLIVIA: Wha--?! {The General's henchman goes up to her & drags her out of her seat & onto the scale.} GENERAL: Social networking is quite a marvel, isn't it? Information is shared as fast as it takes to click button. So, my dear. I think it should only take few minutes for entire world to know... your exact weight. {Olivia is seemingly confused by this.} GENERAL (CONT'D): That is, of course, unless you give me code. {Olivia scoffs.} OLIVIA: This is your threat? How insecure do you think I am? {She gives a short light chuckle for a second.} OLIVIA (CONT'D): Give him the code, Jim. {Jim jerks his head at Olivia in shock.} JIM: What?! OLIVIA: Give it to him, Jim! JIM: Olivia, you can't just-- OLIVIA: Jim, please! There's no time to argue! Just give him what he wants! JIM: O-Olivia, calm down! Think of all the people who will die! GENERAL: This does not have to get ugly, Mr. Blond. All I want is code. JIM: A-Am I the only one who thinks this isn't a big deal. {Olivia tries to speak but she sees the henchman beginning the weighing process. She starts breaking out.} OLIVIA: No!!! No, please!!! Please!!! Please...! {She sobs as the General walks around Jim.} GENERAL: This can all end now, Mr. Blond. She need not suffer any longer. JIM: Olivia, this isn't real! It's all in your head! OLIVIA: Jim, please...! Please, just give him what he wants! {The General puts both his hands on Jim's shoulders.} GENERAL: What will it be, Jim? Are you prepared to sit there & let her pay ultimate price? JIM: "Ultimate price"? What do you weigh, a hundred & forty pounds? I mean... {Olivia lifts up her head in shock & perhaps offense.} JIM (CONT'D): A hundred & twenty? Ninety pounds? GENERAL: Never guess weight. {He walks up to Olivia, who is still in despair, & he pulls out his smartphone.} GENERAL (CONT'D): Logging into Twitter... OLIVIA: No... No... Just... Please, I beg you... GENERAL: I have many followers. OLIVIA: No... No...! No...! GENERAL: Very well. Again. OLIVIA: No! {The General's henchman goes back into the weighing process, & Olivia starts freaking out again.} OLIVIA (CONT'D): No!!! No, please!!! Please!!! No!!! JIM: Wait!!! I'll give them to you. {Olivia lowers to herself to the ground in tears.} GENERAL: Let's hear it. JIM: One... one... one. GENERAL: That is worst code ever. Put her back in chair & meet me at warheads. {He leaves as his henchman drags Olivia back to her chair.} GENERAL (CONT'D): Do svidaniya, Mr. Blond. {His henchman leaves as well. Olivia is still shaken from the ordeal as Jim looks up with regret. Suddenly, he hears beeps.} M (IN COMMUNICATOR): Jim! Jim! Do you read me? '' '''JIM': She must be trying to contact me on my satellite watch! M, do you copy? M (IN COMMUNICATOR): Yes, are you in trouble. '' '''JIM': Unfortunately, I gave up the launch codes to... prevent Olivia's weight from being disclosed to the world. I can't believe I've done this. M, do you copy? M (IN COMMUNICATOR): You made the right call, Jim. '' ''{Jim looks up, confused as Olivia is.} Cast *Jason Gray as Jim Blond *Whitney Call as Olivia *Matt Meese as Russian General *Stephen Meek as Henchman Notes External Links *Watch on YouTube Category:Season 1 Sketches Category:Sketches